My Sweat Lodge Experience
When we are no longer able to change a situation - we are challenged to change ourselves.
- Viktor E. Frankl
Earlier this year I had my first sweat lodge experience. I was in Sedona, Arizona at a book writing retreat and it felt appropriate that this weekend, as I was reaching for into the depths of my soul to write all that you will read in my book, that I build upon this experience through ancient ceremony calling upon my ancestors for their wisdom and my salvation. As we reached Bearcloud’s house, I could see the fire burning in the yard. Off to the side was a small, specially built for this celestial event, sweat lodge. Today was not only a great opportunity for me to participate in this event, it was also a trifecta day with three cosmic events – a solar eclipse, a supermoon, and the spring equinox. The sweat lodge seated the 8 of us cozily with a fire pit on the ground in the middle. The sweat lodge had 8 points representing the 4 ways earthly and 4 ways spiritually and was covered with various blankets to keep the darkness in and thick black plastic to keep the heat in. Bearcloud would add seven hot rocks between each of the four rounds followed by a good dose of water to generate more heat and steam each round. The rocks are an embodiment of our ancestors, our grandfathers and grandmothers, each of whom are passing along their wisdom to us through vision, insights, and such.
The Eastern Door
The first round represented the Eastern door, the door of the sun rising, yellow in color. Bearcloud started adding seven hot rocks into the circle followed by some herbs sprinkled on them which initially lit up like stars to summon our ancestors. The door then closed, the heat rose, and it was pitch black. Bearcloud began with a Native American song and we sang or played an instrument along with him. He began the four directions by speaking about the significance of the Eastern direction and how it represents life. How the daily rising and setting of the sun is symbolic with the ebbs and flows of our life, and then it takes the ups and downs in our lives for us to have balance and harmony. This went on for I don’t know how long, I’d guess maybe half an hour.
The Earth Realm
After a bit more talking from Bearcloud and another song, he went out for seven more rocks and began the Earth realm, red in color. The Earth realm is represented by the serpent (snake) and spiders, both scary looking and closest of all the animals to the ground as their role is to protect Mother Earth. Additionally, the snake sheds his skin to remind us that every day we can begin anew, that we have a choice to shed our yesterday selves and begin again today. Bearcloud also spoke about the worm (worm nation he called them) and reminded us they are also sacred (as are all animals) as they breathe life into the earth, constantly turning it up and over to keep it healthy and organic, just as we should be continuously cultivating our lives. By the end of the second round I was now sweating profusely but hanging in there – on to the third round, another seven rocks and these were big ones. We are up to twenty one rocks and things were getting intensely hot for me.
The door to the underworld
The third round (unbeknown to me) is the hardest round because not only is it represented as the dark, night realm, it’s where our shadow sides are seen and come out. It just happens that (probably for all the above reasons) it is also where we break down mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually – all of which I did. The third round is about the door to the underworld protected by the bear and the lightning spirit. The bear is a good example for us as one who is able to hibernate for the winter, go in the darkness all alone, and endure during the dark and lonely times. I tried to think about that as I was now beginning to have a panic attack, feeling unable to breathe in the thick, hot air. About a quarter of the way into this (third) round I was on my hands and knees and quickly dropping to the ground, seeking the coolness of the earth on my face. I was okay for a few minutes but then it was too hot again, too hard to breathe. I was desperate, I dug a little hole to the outside to try and take in any fresh air I could.
Every second was an internal negotiation to hang in there, don’t panic (too late), to breathe, and to remember that I am a spiritual being in a physical body and not the other way around. I didn’t know if I’d make it, I touched those around me to remind me that my sisters are there and in support of me (seven of the eight people were women). I kept my eyes closed and meditated – om mani padme om – over and over. I was thanking my ancestors and begging for salvation. The heat continued, I continued begging, not sure I could make it. Every cell in my body was pulsating and I could feel life, and the fragility of life, right in front of me. I was soaking and my breathing was shallow. I was begging Mother Earth to help me, I was acquiescing to all things, I was suffering and willing to completely release all ego, my ego was completely banished and I one-hundred thousand percent let go, begged for my life, and I surrendered. I surrendered the final bits of my soul that remained after pouring my life into the pages of this book and begging for forgiveness from all who I have hurt.
Thank the lord the round ended as Bearcloud opened the door oh so slightly. My panic slowly, very slowly subsided as he talked to the group and passed around a peace pipe for all of us to smoke from. By the time it got to me I was able to take it, grateful to be alive and thankful to my ancestors for all the visions I have received thus far. The fourth round was, gratefully, much shorter and not as hot as the third. With my body in a fetal position, against the edge of the sweat lodge with my face against the outside little space I had created, I closed my eyes and focused internally on meditation and survival. Oh how this sweat lodge is such a great representation for life for me. There are ups and downs, hot moments and moments where survival is in doubt. But with sisters and brothers around me, supporting me, helping me through the tough times rather than judging, criticizing, ignoring, or otherwise putting themselves as greater than me – I was able to endure and I came out such the better person for it.
What an amazing end to an amazing day. Perhaps the closing of my chapter to completely surrender to all the external expectations around me, and within me, and to try to live a life as one with all.
